Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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