I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Randomize
