The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
