I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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