sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Randomize
