anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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