Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
