i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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