at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
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