im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
