apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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