I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
