Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
