My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
