Don't make out with my wife yet
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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