battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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