Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
