PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
