Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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