I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
