After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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