I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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