There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
