i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
