I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
