Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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