dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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