I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I think I died a long time ago.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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