So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
