I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
