No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
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