so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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