if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
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I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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