I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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