We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
