I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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