First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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