You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
