one word: firstdatebathroomanal
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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