nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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