I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Randomize
