Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
