You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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