Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
