i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
