you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I need to stop coming to work sober
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
