I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
