ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
