I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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