i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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