It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
