the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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