stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
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He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
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It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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