Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Randomize
