I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
