Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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