Reggie can tackle my bush.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
