Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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