You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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